The Great Communicator
II pride myself on my communication skills in relationships with my family and, especially, with my husband. With my personality, when I’m talking and willing to talk - we’re good. When I shut down - I’m planning - and usually not for reconciliation. Communicate, communicate, communicate, right? So, you can imagine how surprised I was at the cold response that I received from my spouse when I sent the following bullet statements (among others within the categories of personal and marriage) as a shared Google Doc titled, My Thoughts Outloud:
Tired of being the only one that makes openly communicated gestures and comes up with endeavors to strengthen/grow the marriage.
Once stated that he will determine what type of marriage we will have - spiritual/strong/conscious always of keeping it that way OR what it is now - loving, but typical/flat. Struggling with the fact that I stated that, and have NOT seen any movement towards the latter, so that shows a lack of care? Aloofnesss?
Know that a lot of how I feel about the marriage is due to my needs/desires now. I have different needs/desires now than I did when raising my kids.
I sent it from work early in the day on Thursday and went throughout the workday hearing crickets on my phone and computer. Near bedtime, I just had to ask if he had received an email from me; and he responded, "No," while reaching for his phone. Once he discovered the email, judging from the title, he quickly announced that this would take some time and he would read it later, so we both continued with nightly household and personal prep work and went to bed. I didn’t know if he had read it or not that night. On Friday at 11:02 AM, I received this email:
“Thank you for sharing your thoughts yesterday. I needed time to read, reflect, and figure out how I needed to do things differently. I’m truly sorry for my lack of affection. I promise I will be more attentive and loving. You are my love, and you deserve better from me.”
Nope, I didn’t go home that day feeling all lovey-dovey and that all was well. I tactfully stated that there was so much more on the list that needed to be addressed and discussed. So, that’s what we did. He brought out the list - because he had printed it out! - and we went through every item, one by one, and had shared dialogue on each. Did that do it? Nope. I felt there must be some reason why I have communicated these very same issues as an unbroken record for a few years now and there has not been a consistent change. So what was HIS block? And I was dedicated to resolving the matter since expressing regret does not constitute an action.
My approach didn’t work, and I quickly realized that I had to reconcile the issue within myself so that it wouldn’t continue to fester in our daily dealings with each other, and our relationship overall. Yet, I did not feel like I was making a mountain out of a molehill. This issue was important to me, and going forward in our marriage, I wanted the two of us to consciously, strategically, and intentionally work on having the “Best possible relationship ever!!” I had stated this before and felt that I had OVER-communicated it. There had been “glimpses” of being on the path during some periods, so I knew it was achievable, but nothing long-standing.
I’m the type of person who MUST talk everything out and feel that a resolution has been reached before I can mentally move forward. Therefore, I was struggling going through the next day attempting normalcy in our relationship (because, attempting is just the mature thing to do, right?), but still feeling like I had settled, and we were right back where we started. While cooking and all up in my thoughts, Alexa was shuffling songs by an artist that always puts me in that peaceful, loving, romantic mood, and my spouse came by and asked the name of the song because he liked the piano intro and wanted to look up the sheet music. I coyly stated, “So, you do like my music?”, knowing that in the past he’s stated quite the opposite and described it as, well - “sad”. He walked away mumbling, “No, I just like that particular song.” Meanwhile, I had an immediate revelation - we may never see eye to eye on these issues - because if in my head this music makes me feel loving; playful; in the mood for love while romantically having visions of floating around dancing, but in his head, it’s "sad,” then that’s quite possibly why we are disconnecting. This could be deeper than we have a different taste in music (although much of our music genre tastes do align). I connected that to perhaps we don’t have the same vision of what the best possible relationship looks like - we certainly didn’t share a vision of what romance looks and feels like. Well, you probably know by now, that I went right off to find him and have that very same conversation - in a nice, mature manner, of course.
I say this in all honesty, that my spiritual life coaching training has taught and given me strategies and given me a different mindset to deal with life’s issues, especially those involving relationships. So, from that training, I knew I had to heal myself and reconcile this dissonance. I could not rely on him or anyone else to fulfill my emotional needs; and, further - it was not his responsibility! I had to parent myself and provide for my own emotional dependency needs.
Self-Parenting in my studies is based on the premise that one must fulfill their emotional dependency needs that were not met so that they can function in the world as an emotionally mature, highly functional adult. After giving him the music analogy, I informed him of how I had worked this all out in my mind and that I would not hold him accountable or allow this to affect our relationship anymore - instead, I would travel more and set up more intimate gatherings with my family and close friends! During the discussion, I brought up a relationship theory from a movie that we had seen years ago. It was presented as the 80/20 danger in a relationship where an individual is not getting 20% of their yearnings/desires/needs (or fill in the blank) in a relationship from their present partner, and they leave that relationship and find their missing 20% only to realize that’s exactly what they have - 20% and left 80%. I ended by telling him not to worry, my momma didn’t raise no fool, so I will not be leaving my 80% in search of that 20%; however, I added that he should still make authentic attempts to meet me a little more.
And, lo and behold!!! That did it for him!! The 80% thingy! He came and gave me a kiss on the cheek, and thanked me for the conversation, adding that he was glad to hear that I feel he is at least at 80% because he thought I had been saying he gives NOTHING at all! All this time, he wasn’t hearing me and responding because he was hearing a negative and personal attack on him, his character, and his role as a husband. We discussed this more later that night, and I had yet another revelation - that I don’t communicate as well as I thought I did!! If I was going to communicate my truth, then I needed to ensure that I did so with ALL my truth! I was so annoyed and all up in my feelings, that I obviously didn’t communicate to him the things I love and the things that he does well, which are wrapped up in that 80%. Since then, we have been on the path, and I think I’ll plan a few trips - with my husband, of course.